Humorous
- A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
- Always remember you’re unique… Just like everyone else.
- A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
- Don’t look back, they might be gaining on you.
- Don’t try this at home, kids. Go to a friend’s house, so they’ll get in trouble instead of you.
- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
- Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded.
- He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
- I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?
- I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
- I don’t have a solution, but I admire the problem.
- I don’t have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
- I either get what I want or I change my mind.
- I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
- I hate being around interesting people because then I have to be interesting too.
- I hope life isn’t a joke, because I don’t get it.
- If all is not lost, where is it?
- If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
- If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
- If I want your opinion, I’ll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
- If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
- If things get any worse, I’ll have to ask you to stop helping me.
- If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
- If you want to look young and thin, hang around old, fat people.
- It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
- It is my great hope that someday we will put away fears and prejudices so that we may spend the precious days we have left laughing at stupid people.
- I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
- I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don’t want to see your ugly mug every day.
- It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
- It’s not like I’m lazy…..I’m just happy doing NOTHING.
- Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t out to get you.
- Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
- Life is like a box of chocolates, take a bite of all of them until you find the one you like…
- Light travels faster than sound that’s why some people appear smart until you hear them speak…
- My friends are so much cooler than yours. They’re invisible.
- Nobody listens to me, until I fart.
- Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
- People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
- Power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda nifty.
- Silence is golden but duck tape is silver.
- Some days you’re the dog, and some days you’re the hydrant.
- Tact is for people who aren’t witty enough to use sarcasm.
- The first rule of holes: if you are in one, stop digging.
- There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
- You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
- You go girl! And don’t come back.
- We are responsible for what we do unless we are celebrities.
- We put the fun in dysfunctional.
- When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?
- When I was born I was so surprised I couldn’t talk for a year and a half.
- While others were busy thinking outside the box, I cut up the box because I needed cardboard bits for the project I was making.
- Love is patient, Love is kind, Love never fails
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